How to Stop People Pleasing in the Bedroom
- Rachael Hibbert
- Apr 14
- 4 min read
We often think of people-pleasing as a harmless trait—being kind, helpful, or accommodating. But when this behavior spills into our sex lives, it can have profound effects on our pleasure, connection, and self-worth.
As a certified sex therapist and intimacy coach, I've seen how common this is—especially among women. It's rarely talked about, but people pleasing in the bedroom can quietly erode desire, intimacy, and even your sense of agency over time. In this article, we’ll unpack how it shows up, why it happens, and how to start changing it.
What Does People-Pleasing Look Like Sexually?
People-pleasing in bed isn't always obvious. It's not just about saying "yes" when you mean "no"—though that’s part of it. Here are some ways it can show up:
Faking orgasms to avoid hurting a partner’s feelings (The Everygirl)
Trying to orgasm quickly so your partner feels competent
Avoiding giving feedback or asking for what you want
Saying yes to sex to maintain connection—even if you’re not into it
Struggling to receive pleasure or stay present during intimacy
Spectatoring: watching yourself perform instead of being in your body
Using sex as a way to keep emotional peace or avoid conflict
You might not even realize you're doing these things. And that’s the tricky part.
Why We Do It
People-pleasing usually comes from a deep desire to be accepted, loved, or safe. Many of us learn early on that being “good” means putting others first—especially women raised under patriarchal sexual scripts. These behaviors can also stem from:
Childhood trauma or emotional neglect
Fear of rejection, abandonment, or conflict
Low self-worth or difficulty asserting needs
Cultural norms around being a "good girl" or "good partner"
These aren’t just sexual behaviors—they’re patterns that often show up in the rest of our lives, too. In our friendships. At work. With family. Anywhere we fear disappointing others.
But here’s the thing: if you can learn to hold your ground in the bedroom—where you are arguably at your most vulnerable—you can start to do it everywhere. The bedroom becomes the training ground for radical honesty, boundary-setting, and self-respect. People pleasing in the bedroom is just the beginning of a much wider transformation.
How People Pleasing in the Bedroom Affects Your Desire and Libido
One of the less-talked-about consequences? It kills desire.
When sex becomes something you do to avoid guilt, keep the peace, or make your partner feel good, it stops being something you do for you. That’s when libido starts to fade.
Desire doesn’t thrive under obligation. It needs space, curiosity, and authenticity. People-pleasing chokes that out (Women's Health UK).
And It’s Not Just About You
Here’s the irony: many people—especially men—get off on knowing they’ve genuinely pleasured their partner. If you’re faking it, rushing through it, or holding back, you’re not just short-changing yourself—you’re also taking away your partner’s chance to truly connect with you.
If neither of you are saying what you want, how can either of you give it?
Signs You Might Be People-Pleasing in Bed
You feel anxious before or disconnected after sex
You’re unsure of what you actually enjoy sexually
You rarely or never ask for what you want
You feel guilty when sex isn’t "perfect"
You believe your pleasure is secondary—or a burden
Breaking Free from People Pleasing in the Bedroom
The good news? This can change.
Get Curious About What You Want
Explore your likes, dislikes, and boundaries. Use journaling or guided body awareness exercises to reconnect with your own desire.
Practice Saying No
Start small, even outside the bedroom. Saying "no" doesn’t make you selfish—it makes you honest.
Communicate Openly
Use non-blaming language to share what feels good, what doesn’t, or what you’re curious to try. Real intimacy comes from truth.
Let Yourself Receive
It’s okay to just feel. To be taken care of. To not be the one performing.
Try Sensate Focus or Somatic Therapy
These body-based practices help shift focus from performance to sensation. They’re great for couples and individuals (Medical News Today).
Seek Support If Needed
A therapist or coach can help unpack the deeper roots of these patterns and guide you through building self-worth and embodied confidence.
The Takeaway
You are not responsible for anyone else’s ego or orgasm.
You deserve to experience sex that’s honest, mutual, and grounded in your pleasure—not just your partner’s. Breaking free from people-pleasing starts with awareness—and a willingness to believe that your needs matter too.
It’s not selfish. It’s sexy.
FAQ: People Pleasing in the Bedroom
What is people pleasing in the bedroom?
It’s when you prioritize your partner’s pleasure, comfort, or ego over your own during sex—often without even realizing it. It can include things like faking orgasms, saying yes when you mean no, or hiding your true desires.
How does people pleasing affect libido and desire?
It can cause your desire to shut down. When sex feels like an obligation instead of something you genuinely want, your libido naturally decreases.
What are signs I'm people-pleasing during sex?
Feeling anxious, disconnected, unsure of what you enjoy, or rarely speaking up about your needs are all signs.
Can people pleasing in bed affect my relationship?
Yes. It can lead to emotional disconnection, frustration, and missed opportunities for true intimacy—especially when both partners are just guessing what the other wants.
How can I stop people pleasing in the bedroom?
Start by identifying your own needs and desires, setting boundaries, and learning to communicate openly. Therapy and body-based practices like sensate focus can also help.
If this speaks to you and you’d like to explore it more deeply, you can find resources and support at Sex Untold.
Curious to learn more about how emotional and physical intimacy are connected? Concerned about how you feel during sexual encounters? Reach out to explore how sex therapy or intimacy coaching can help you navigate the deeper layers of your emotional responses during sex.
Comments